Sexual Addiction or Good Times?
I subscribe to women's issues on the Huffington Post and get links almost every day about sex, sex addiction, overcoming sex addiction. What is it?
I just found this definition in an article by John Kort, "certified sexual addiction specialist and sex therapist" entitled, Sex Addiction: Real or Myth?:
Most people I know, however, do not fit this category. They just like sex. If they have a problem, it's that they can't get enough of it. Not because they are "addicts," but because they are normal and are not having enough sexual connection in their lives. Why? Because they have some hang-ups or are in a relationship that needs better communication or they can't find a good sexual partner. It could be that they are being too picky.
Most of these articles written by women have a tone of guilt and are overshadowed by the paradigm of monogamy in ways that I find unhealthy. There are endless articles and books by women that reminisce nostalgically about times when they were sexually free and had, say, dozens or even god forbid 80 or more sexual partners when they were in college. And now they see all of that behavior as deeply dysfunctional and symptomatic of their low self-esteem and that required decades of therapy enabling them now, from a second or third marriage, to say they are finally "healed."
I think it's such bullshit. Why do people, women in particular, have to revise their histories and say they were fucked up for wanting to have sex with a lot of people? They were young and gorgeous and had the opportunity to explore their sexuality in what should have been a guilt-free way. So what? More power to them.
I think they write about their sexuality through the prism of guilt and reform because... it sells.
See Leah Odze Epstein's article today called Addiction Envy. She went to an addiction book panel where a literary agent said recently "he'd gotten a brilliant manuscript, a memoir by a young woman, full of glittering prose and crazy exploits. Such promise! But then, after page 100, he realized the story stayed the same. There was no transformation. No fall and redemption. Just freefall. He said there were many addiction memoirs he rejected."
Epstein left the panel with "addiction envy."
Women classify the fun times they had exploring multiple sexual partners in a free-wheeling period in their life as "sexual addiction" so they can talk about it from their reformed, monogamous, safe lives = Transformation. Otherwise, no book deal. No Huffington Post column.
I don't know about you, but I have NO regrets about that time in my life when I was single and exploring who knows how many partners, most of whose names I can't remember. I thank god for those people and experiences, to which I'm still indebted because they helped me figure out early on what I liked and didn't, and what it meant to be and to be with a great lover.
I wouldn't be in what I consider an extremely healthy relationship with my husband of 25+ years if it hadn't been for those fabulous 70s and 80s free love times.
The next generation has its own challenges. Lets not pretend to them that we didn't have fun, if we did.
I just found this definition in an article by John Kort, "certified sexual addiction specialist and sex therapist" entitled, Sex Addiction: Real or Myth?:
The model of sexual addiction and compulsivity disorder has generated controversy in and outside the gay community. Some say that using this model makes sexual behavior seem "bad" and denies enjoying positive sexual experiences with as many people as one likes, any way one wants. But it doesn't demonize sexual activities unless they involve adults being sexual with children, or ignoring someone's limits against their will, such as in the case of rape. Nor does it judge people who enjoy a variety of sexual desires, partners, and behavior. In fact, sexual addiction is not about sex at all -- it's about suffering and unhealed trauma that has become eroticized.Okay, so I guess I can agree that there are some people who have really unhealthy sexual behaviors that qualify as "addiction."
Most people I know, however, do not fit this category. They just like sex. If they have a problem, it's that they can't get enough of it. Not because they are "addicts," but because they are normal and are not having enough sexual connection in their lives. Why? Because they have some hang-ups or are in a relationship that needs better communication or they can't find a good sexual partner. It could be that they are being too picky.
Most of these articles written by women have a tone of guilt and are overshadowed by the paradigm of monogamy in ways that I find unhealthy. There are endless articles and books by women that reminisce nostalgically about times when they were sexually free and had, say, dozens or even god forbid 80 or more sexual partners when they were in college. And now they see all of that behavior as deeply dysfunctional and symptomatic of their low self-esteem and that required decades of therapy enabling them now, from a second or third marriage, to say they are finally "healed."
I think it's such bullshit. Why do people, women in particular, have to revise their histories and say they were fucked up for wanting to have sex with a lot of people? They were young and gorgeous and had the opportunity to explore their sexuality in what should have been a guilt-free way. So what? More power to them.
I think they write about their sexuality through the prism of guilt and reform because... it sells.
See Leah Odze Epstein's article today called Addiction Envy. She went to an addiction book panel where a literary agent said recently "he'd gotten a brilliant manuscript, a memoir by a young woman, full of glittering prose and crazy exploits. Such promise! But then, after page 100, he realized the story stayed the same. There was no transformation. No fall and redemption. Just freefall. He said there were many addiction memoirs he rejected."
Epstein left the panel with "addiction envy."
Women classify the fun times they had exploring multiple sexual partners in a free-wheeling period in their life as "sexual addiction" so they can talk about it from their reformed, monogamous, safe lives = Transformation. Otherwise, no book deal. No Huffington Post column.
I don't know about you, but I have NO regrets about that time in my life when I was single and exploring who knows how many partners, most of whose names I can't remember. I thank god for those people and experiences, to which I'm still indebted because they helped me figure out early on what I liked and didn't, and what it meant to be and to be with a great lover.
I wouldn't be in what I consider an extremely healthy relationship with my husband of 25+ years if it hadn't been for those fabulous 70s and 80s free love times.
The next generation has its own challenges. Lets not pretend to them that we didn't have fun, if we did.